"I don't know." I sit defeated, watching his eyes intently. Hoping he might have an answer to his own question. "What about you? How do you think we can get the intimacy back in our marriage?" I hit ball back to his court, a sort of blameshifting on my part. Feelings of contempt knock ever more incessant at my heart's door, threatening to bang it down. I lift a silent prayer, Spirit, please answer for me. I'm weak, vulnerable. I want to say mean things.
The room feels suffocating. He leans against kitchen counter, across the room, worlds away. "Maybe we should take a break from this conversation."
"Maybe." There are no more words. We've begun the New Year with a fight in proportion to Time's Square at midnight on January first. Except without the well-wishes. Painful exchanges like confetti littering heart's floor.
Like cordial roommates who more or less tolerate one another, we move through the next couple of days. Each person quietly contemplating the next right move.
"Let's get up together tomorrow morning -- before the children. Just you and me," his words slow, pauses deliberate, heavy with meaning, "to spend time together." I wrap longing arms around him, pull him close in mutual embrace.
And then.
And. then. He walks in room, resolutely, this morning. While I sit at computer, reading e-mails. I didn't think he'd really get up with me. Yet, he sits down beside me, so determined that his presence causes me to turn my full attention to him. And he gives me the gift, (the one so huge that I put off asking for it for Christmas until the last minute and even then said it with I-know-I-don't-deserve-something-so-special undertones). Quality time. He looks right at me and says, "I'll get up at 5 AM with you every morning to work out."
Then.
He takes me downstairs, to the kitchen. I make us a pot of coffee while he opens the book Intimacy -- A 100-Day Guide to Lasting Relationships by Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. Reads words out loud,
"The picture [of Christ and the church] is of the hero and Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who loved and died for His bride so that she might be with Him forever. This word picture closes with Jesus coming back for His bride and hosting a great banquet to celebrate their eternal intimacy. God is a romantic...
...I want to savor the scent of her personality, the moments of her fury and the playfulness of her spirit. I am committed to intimacy with both my God and my wife -- and this committment is not halfhearted."
He pauses to look up at me, his eyes wet with emotion, tells me the author has expressed what he feels for me.
And.
Just when I think I couldn't possibly love this man sitting across from me anymore than I've already loved him... I find my hopelessly romantic spirit, (and often fickle heart), falling head over heels in love with my hero, a hopeless romantic himself.
"My beloved is mine, and I am his." ~Song of Solomon 2:16
Yes! What a man... both yours and our loving Father. Thanks for this reminder, Sharon. My selfish heart needed to read this post this morning.
ReplyDeleteAh, Sharon,I am cheering for you both.
ReplyDeleteWe are 40 years into our marriage but the battle for intimacy never ends. It is so worth fighting for and sacrificing for.
In the hairdressers yesterday I wrote out my "relationship goals" for 2010. I am a night hawk, Paul starts heading for bed at 9.30 for goodness sakes! :) I made this commitment:
"Bed at 10.00 p.m.starting today. If a blog post isn't written by then, it won't be written. I ask God's forgiveness for putting writing before Paul. I commit to this with all my heart.
Focus on showing honour and respect.
Listen for his preferences and anticipate them.
Put him first in my life, after God."
Then on the way home I bought two books from our local Christian book store by Dr. Kevin Leman:
"7 Things You Need to Know, But He'll Never Tell You" and..."Sheet Music--Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage."
Then I stopped at La Vie en Rose on the way home and bought the classiest, most romantic nightie I could find.
He was deliriously happy with my efforts, but then, when I went to bed at 10.00, cuddled up and said, "Goodnight dear!" :) Ah, those expectations! :)
When I shared the title of the books with my daughter-in-law Susan, she and son Peter nodded and smiled. Apparently they have Sheet Music and it has their approval.
God bless you and your beloved!
Oh, how splendid! The ebb and flow, sacrifice, affection, an unexpected counterpoint.
ReplyDeleteMy best question of this past year: What does my spouse OWE me? What am I ENTITLED to?
In truth, nothing. Nada. Not a single thing. Every grace is a gift, every desire an invitation.
Sounds like your path is paved with great gifts.
Wow, friend. This very topic (in a slightly different form) has been on my mind today. I wrote about it on the Jesus Blog.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the Wonder Hub and I had a big fight New Year's Eve ourselves. We're all made-up, but I'm still not emotionally ready for a new year.
I so know of what you write! There have been seasons where Ben and I are so close it is almost spiritual in substance and times when I can't remember the last time we talked outside of saying goodnight and goodmorning as one of us is leaving. I know which one I like better... but it's not where we are right now :( Your post made me realize that it is time to step up my game and start getting back some lost ground! I love you Sharron! Thanks for being honest...I really needed the push!
ReplyDeleteIt is always funny to me, but not surprising anymore how we can be in the same place and time in our lives. Our seasons coincide somehow and I love it. Even though I will admit this is a tough one, I am facing the same issues and just decided that I owe my husband more. As much as he does for me and puts up with me, I owe him more of me than I have been giving. So I made a commitment to be more loving and see what happens. Funny, he became more loving in return. Sometimes that is all you need. I am glad you two have made a plan for renewing intimacy. I would never think you were lacking it as you two always seem to be so in love - all the time. Maybe you should just read your anniversary entry every morning and that will renew your spirit. Love you and Leroy both. Glad you are pulling the weeds in your garden together as that is the best way for love to bloom.
ReplyDeleteI could see and feel each scenes. I must say,it was intense, the explosion was silent and soft and yet it came to deliver, to revive, not to destroy. And that is God taking part of his children's lives. As long as we make a place for Him, He takes His place with so much grace and radiate His love, His mercy all around Him. And we receive because we silently wait for His answer, not ours. He came and sat with your both, on your simple chairs and He gave His love to you both.
ReplyDelete