Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Laying Tiles

"Thanks, Mom! You're nice and sweet!" She skips toward the door, lacing arms through coat sleeves as she steps outside. "Oh!" She puts her head around the edge of the door, "And if you had said 'no' I would still have a good attitude!"

{long, long sigh} It's the time of day for grand intentions.
  • Make sure I'm available when Israel walks through the door. (No computer, no FB, no having my nose in a book...)
  • Have a healthy snack ready... Maybe even meet her at the bus stop.
  • Hang out with her while she works on homework.
I diligently keep an eye on the time, then procrastinate, reasoning Just a few more minutes, catch up on a few friends through their blog or FB status, read the latest celeb news, peruse the kitchen cupboards for chocolate (though I already know there isn't any -- I devoured the last of it recently)... Stand in the middle of the kitchen and laugh at myself as I relate to Evelyn Couch when she cries to Ninny Threadgoode, "I wish I had the courage to get it over with and get really fat!" (from Fried Green Tomatoes)

My! This wallowing in self-pity! These self-talk mosaic tiles, things I wouldn't think of saying to another person! This pattern is hopeless. Utterly defeating.
Tiles of good intentions that I lay in a pattern wrought in procrastination and perfectionism. Overwhelmed by racing thoughts, I try to subdue them with food while the tangled mess becomes -- well, not what I had pictured. But then, that's the way of distraction, isn't it?

To live up to the "nice and sweet" in me. To lay the tiles in a pattern that makes sense, makes art. Brings about inspiration. To follow through on the goal. To fix my gaze straight ahead, not distracted by what is on my right or my left, but to proceed forward.
This funk leaves me feeling emotionally exhausted, used up, anxious... and no good to anyone. Self-absorption drains resources.
I long to skip toward my destination full of thankfulness, no matter what. To carefully place tiles that will be a blessing.
Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established. Turn not to the right hand nor to the left; remove thy foot from evil. ~Proverbs 4:25-27
(Photos from an Ancient Roman Bath House nearby.)


  1. Oh yes, the constant whirring of thoughts, it's so easy to get tangled in the cogs. Practical antidote that most often settles me? Three good nights sleep. Slumber on sister!

  2. Oh, and they have to be three nights in a row. :)

  3. I never would have thought of all those self-depreciating comments as laying tile, but as always with your insight it fits perfectly. I know you are out the funk a little now, but I want you to know that no matter what, you are beautiful to me. I know at times it is hard and frustrating, but don't beat yourself for what you don't do...rejoice in all you do. For you are wonderful on so many levels.

  4. ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh. I've been there. To that bath house and to the place of guilt, procrastination, good intentions gone awry. In fact, I am procrastinating right. now. Go figure.

    Now. I will take the divinely inspired encouragement (of this post and the next), get off my butt and lay some stinkin' tiles!!

    (Thanks. You are loved!)